Paul: “The sun sure is bright here indoors at the Barclays Center.”
Peter: “I actually wear purple glasses. This is not an affect-…Gene, what’s the word?”
Gene: “Is that a hamburger on the floor?  I’m hungry.”
Ace: “Your records without me suck.”

Oh, sorry, got sidetracked.

Rock Stars!  Listen up!  Dub Warrant will now speak and advise!

Guys and gals of the rock and roll universe, and the metal galaxy, Dub Warrant has some rock star advice for you.  It’s rounding the corner towards 2021 out there and yet some of you just aren’t with the program. Or maybe you are, but it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it.  But either way, Dub Warrant is here to drink some beer and give you some primo, number one, Grade-A Rock Star Tips for all of you to implement immediately. And for the record, I was a genuine rock star from 1986 to 1991, then again in 1995 to 1997, and then for a little while in 2003, and again from 2004 to 2006, and one more time in 2007. Oh, and 2010. And a little in 2018. So I have the rock star cred on this one.

OK, folks, let’s rock this like a hurricane:

1. When you see photos of women on the Hollywood red carpet, they often cross their legs while standing/posing for photographs, as if they are trying to, what, make their hips look thinner?

Can someone explain this to me?  What are they doing?  Does crossing one’s legs take off a few inches of visual hip-width, or what?  Seems like it would be the other way around.  But no matter!  The 3 women above look great and if they want to cross their legs, so be it. The point is, Male Rock Stars, stop doing this.  You look ridiculous.  Case in point, Paul Stanley (Glenn, dude, you are already skinny):

2. If you are a band comprised of 3-7 males with or without beards and moustaches and long hair, or very short hair, and you take a band photo with the 3-to-7 of you standing there looking thoughtful or angry, and you’re wearing Cannibal Corpse t-shirts and jeans, and you have tattoos all over you, and you were unsure of whether to take a color shot or a black-and-white, then I can guarantee you…GUARANTEE you….that as soon as I look away at a shiny object, I have completely forgotten about your band. Completely.  You need an artistic/visual identity.  Think Pink Floyd.  When you see a line of black and red walking hammers (which we all often see), what do you think of (if you’re not on hallucinogenics)?  Pink Floyd.  Some white bricks?  Pink Floyd.  A floating (or flying) pig? Pink Floyd. Visual identity. Two words. (This also applies to metal and prog bands with 4 dudes and a female singer. Without a visual identity, they are cookie-cutter forgettable.)

3. Metal bands, this one is for you.  If your band picks a band name based on the mix-and-match band-naming scheme outlined below, where we put one word from List 1, with one word from List 2, then, well, Jesus H., man, you need a new band name.  Or you need to break up the band.

List 1:
Forgotten
Entombed
Dark
Silent
Screaming

List 2:
Desolation
Pain
Dismemberment
Death
Decay

If I ever see a metal festival line-up with Forgotten Death, Entombed Decay, Dark Desolation, Silent Pain, and Screaming Dismemberment on the bill, I am gonna punch myself in the ‘nads.

4. Do not repeat the same offense with 3-word band names, nor band names that include the word “Black,” nor multi-word phrases, like these:

Black Country Communion
Brave Black Sea
Black Star Riders
Black Stone Cherry
Blackberry Smoke
Black Spiders
Black Label Society (to ZW’s credit, they’ve been around awhile)
Red Dragon Cartel
Royal Southern Brotherhood (pass the hat!)
Bring Me The Horizon
Taking Back Sunday
All That Remains
Rise To Remain
Stone Temple Pilots (included here as the recent-era Original 3-Word Bandname Sinners)

If you can come up with a better band name than “Black Sabbath,” by all means, please do so. Otherwise, let’s retire the color black.

5. No band names with the words, “Kids,” or “Back Street,” or “Heroes,” or the letter “z” used in place of “s” in a plural noun, or “-n-” to indicate “and,” or…well, you get the idea.  If you have the word “Kidz” in your band name, you should not have any friends.

6. Gene Simmons is the main offender on this one, but plenty of rock stars do the same thing: they wear sunglasses inside*.  Or at night.  Rock Stars, if you have tinted prescription glasses, more power to you, wear those things inside, outside, in the movie theater, during space travel, under water…wherever and whenever you want. I mean, I want you to be able to see. I really do. But if you DON’T wear tinted prescription glasses, and instead you wear regular sunglasses…inside…or at night…WHERE and WHEN THERE IS NO SUN…then please stop.  It is pretentious as hell and you look like a total tool.

*Bono not included. Stevie Wonder also gets a pass.

(Gene, just because you call it an “affectation” doesn’t make it right.)

7. If you are serious about your band, DO NOT have a website with the following baggage-laden word in the web address: Facebook.  In 2024.  WTF?  Are you kidding me?  I can’t even say, “I am gonna check out this awesome band on Facebook!” without feeling sick.

If you do have this word in your band’s “website” name, it shows you don’t care enough to find 30 minutes per week to put together a half-decent website, or even a half-assed website, and that you don’t give a shit, more generally-speaking.  It also shows your girlfriend doesn’t give a shit.

If you don’t give a shit, and your girlfriend doesn’t give a shit, why should Dub Warrant?

8. If you last updated your website in 2012, and Dub Warrant visits it in 2024, you can bet Dub will never return.  Update your damned websites, you lazy sacks.  (I checked a band’s website tonight while drinking beer and writing this epic and profoundly insightful blog post, and I found the following in the lower left corner of the main page: “Designed for use with IE4.” IE4 came out in 1997.)

9. Metal Rock Stars, enough with the Reflectively Symmetrical Band Logos. You know what I’m talking about. Just stop.  Enough is enough. It is done. Played out. And anyway, the design belongs to Metallica.  Get over it.  (And Metal Hammer Magazine, stop being an enabler on this.  Leaf through your magazine…tell me how many times you see an RSBL.  Oh, and you’re partially-responsible for #3 above, too.  I’m not sure how or why, I just have that feeling. Just so ya know.)

10. Dub Warrant doesn’t listen to any song where the title has the word, in parentheses, “Featuring,” and then the name of a vocalist or other contributor.  This is fine in the hip-hop world, but not the ROKK World.

11. A quick word on merchandise, or as the kidz like to say, “merch”: slapping your band name on a coffee mug or a flask (a flask???) or a mouse pad or a pair of panties…especially if you use the same design…is not merch. It is a band name slapped on some cheap mass-produced products. Good merch band? Rush.

That’s enough for now. Hopefully you all will make some changes pronto.

As we hit the midway point of 2024 and get ready for a Dub Warrant 2025, these rock star (and band) improvement guidelines will be positive and productive steps you can take towards making yourself a better Rock Star, or at least not looking like a complete jack-hole.  Trust me, I used to be a Rock Star…I know the deal.

Sincerely, and with a metal heart,
Dub Warrant

[Dub Warrant, ©2020/2024]