March 2014

Dear KISS:

I’m breaking up with you.  I know we’ve had our problems over the years, but this Rock and Roll Hall of Fame situation just proved to me that we can’t continue.  And just so we’re clear, it’s not me, it’s you.

Back in 1976 when we first started dating, I was in love with you.  I mean, head-over-heels in love, a powerful and deep “this-band-is-the-greatest-thing-since-Johnny-Sokko’s-Flying-Robot-and-Fat-Albert” kind of love.  I dropped (or lost) a lot of my friends so that I could spend more time with you, and even when you disappointed me in some way during those earlier years, I stayed true to you, and supported you.  I took down posters of Shaun Cassidy and Farrah Fawcett just so there would be more wall space for you.  I wore your t-shirts and drew your logo on my notebooks, even when my friends said you weren’t cool anymore.  I watched KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, and wondered after it aired if there would ever be some way to put the movie on tape in a small, rectangular plastic case so that I could insert it into a machine that would then play the tape and I could watch the movie as many times as my fluttering heart desired.  I bought Dynasty and loved it, your disco flavorings were groovy and outta sight.  Unmasked?  So what if the cover didn’t make sense back then, I eventually understood it and appreciated your quirky sense of humor.  Then there was The Elder, which was, at the time, an unmitigated disaster, but thankfully I didn’t have access to the Internet (“What’s the Internet?”), and thus there was no one to tell me how bad it was.  [He loves it now. – Ed.] So what did I know?  I loved it!  And I love it now!  [See? – Ed.] Then Creatures of the Night came out, and even though I was confused (how could anyone think those guitar solos were played by Ace?), I still trusted you and I believed in your vision.  It was us against the world, and I was happy.  I really, really was.

I think you should know that I still love the band I first met back in the 1970s, and the band that struggled for a few years as the decade changed, but the band you became over the ensuing years, and the band you’ve become now, is just not something that works for me.  To put it simply, you’ve become a real jerk.  That’s right.  Now, Gene and Paul, I know that Eric “Rob” Singer and Tommy “Fab” Thayer are suitable musicians for the band, and they certainly do play their instruments in such a way as to allow the band to record and perform, but let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we:  the replacement with these guys for Ace Frehley and Peter Criss is one of the rankest frauds in the history of popular culture.  That you guys don’t recognize and admit this is either willful ignorance, or part of the bait-and-switch.  But either way, it’s another reason we have to end this relationship.

And what about your honesty?  Have you ever lied to me, KISS?  Over the years as my friends started warning me about you, I did some reading, and what I found was quite troubling:  deceit and lies all over the place.  But I turned a blind eye because I loved you so much.  I now see this was my mistake, but I do admit that you have always had this strange power over me, where I can’t see things clearly and objectively.  As the years have passed, though, and especially since Ace and Peter were replaced, I have seen the (dark) light, and it isn’t pretty.  Let’s review:

• The Alive! double-album from 1975:  Is this the band recorded live, or is it a composite recording with over-dubs and parts of other recordings punched in?  I don’t really know…the issue is so convoluted now that no one really knows…but where there is (fog machine) smoke, there is usually fire.
• KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park:  Voice over-dubs, and some rando guy standing in for Ace?  Really, KISS?  Don’t even try to explain this one. 
• Dynasty (1979):  Who played on this record?  No one really knows.  Is the photo a shot of the four members of the band, or a composite?
• Unmasked (1980):  Who played on this record?  No one really knows.  But we do know that by this time, drummer Anton Fig was pretty much the band’s in-studio drummer, don’t we?  Hey, don’t look away when I am talking to you!
• Creatures of the Night (1982):  Is that Ace on the cover?  I would think that if he were on the cover I can assume he played on the record, but he didn’t, did he?
• Lick It Up/Animalize/Asylum/Crazy Nights/Hot in the Shade/Revenge (1983-1992):  Did the full band play on every song from these records?  No one knows, but if history is any indication, we can make a good guess.

At this point, Gene and Paul, I have to ask, have you ever told me the truth?  Or is lying just part of your makeup?  [Good one. – Ed.]  Can you even tell me the truth anymore, if you ever could?  And don’t get me started on Psycho Circus, which is not only a weak record, but apparently was recorded by just about everyone except the band members.  Hell, I might even be on that record.  Okay, I’m exaggerating there, but not by much.  From what I understand, there is only ONE song on the album that is an actual played-by-KISS song!  And Gene, just so you know, it’s not a KISS album just because you slap a KISS logo on the record cover.  That you even suggest this makes me wonder what else you’ve been hiding all these years.

Gene and Paul, I suspect that the reason you keep this band going, and you keep recording new music (if you can call it that) is so that you can justify the never-ending touring, which in Genespeak means, “merchandise, merchandise, merchandise.”  From what I can tell, this is apparently the only reason KISS exists now.  Certainly Sonic Boom and Monster cannot be considered serious efforts to produce new music that anyone but the most hardcore (delusional?) fans can support and enjoy.  And I suspect the positive reviews of these two albums can be considered evidence of a massive suck-up effort because these online and print media folks don’t want to offend (and thus cut off access to) the mighty Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.  Can’t have that, no sir!  Seriously, guys, how can you think anything on these two records is not an absolute joke?

Now, even though I have loved you for many years, and I do not want to hurt you, I cannot leave this relationship without saying that you have been take, take, take for a very long time, while I have been the only one doing any of the giving.  What have you given me since 1982?  A handful of bad Bon Jovi rip-off records, a KISS Kasket, the Gene Simmons solo album Asshole, a reality TV show starring Gene’s ego and a bunch of people that I believe are related to him, and a reunion with Ace and Peter that seems more like a gigantic, pre-planned con-job now than an actual organic idea that sprang from good intentions. 

I wonder if the whole thing played out like this:

It’s 1995, Paul and Gene are talking while standing in line at the bank (where else?):

Paul:  We should put the makeup back on.

Gene:  Here’s an idea…we get Ace and Peter back, tour for a few years, put out an album to justify it with the fans, do a Farewell Tour, then make life so unbearable for Ace and Peter that they leave, all the while we grossly under-pay them…?  And even though I am vehemently anti-drug, let’s hire a convicted drug-smuggler as our manager to run the whole thing.  What do you think?

Paul:  Sounds like a great plan, Gene.

Gene:  Yeah, our fans will lick it up.

Paul:  Nice one, Gene.

KISS, you’ve given me cheesy products with the KISS logo on them, bad music, arrogant and holier-than-thou attitudes on every topic under the sun, two grossly over-inflated egos (one far worse than the other, I’m looking at you, Demon!), unfulfilled promises (“The new album will sound like KISS in the 70s!”), and a constant beating about the head with stupid comments, insults directed at Ace and Peter (enough already), and more verbal diarrhea than one should be allowed to spew.  Yeah, Gene, love is a slap in the face, isn’t it?

You wanna know what I have given to you, the things I have done for this relationship?  I have shelled out more money than I care to calculate on KISS merchandise (and I would have a hard time admitting to the total); I have purchased more sub-par albums than any band should be allowed; I have put up with your lies and deceit, and have looked the other way in an effort to keep us together; I have tried to look at both sides of the ongoing intra-KISS squabbling; I suspended disbelief when friends and family warned me about the reunion, saying it would never last; and most importantly, I have defended you, year after year after year.  Don’t believe me?  Do these ring a bell?

• Your clothing choices through most of the 1980s.  Gene, please review 1984. I put up with this.
• Your pseudo-grunge phase, timed perfectly for the end of grunge.  Well done.
• The lyric, “Gonna put my log in your fireplace.”
• LA KISS.  Arena football?  Are you kidding me?
• KISS Kondoms.  Because who better to trust for your birth control needs than KISS, right?
• The fact that you require multiple songwriters to write really bad songs.  Three writers for Take It Off?  Four for Love’s a Deadly Weapon?  Going by this approach, I am guessing Page and Plant needed about seventy-five additional writers for Stairway to Heaven.
• KISS Mini Golf.  Mini golf?  Why don’t you just buy an Arena Football League team?  Oh, wait…

Yeah, KISS, I stuck up for you and made excuses for you, on all the things listed above, while everyone was laughing at you.  That’s what you do in a relationship.  And let me tell you, I have suffered for it.  I didn’t want to tell you this, but a few years ago, right after Sonic Boom came out, and after Gene started offering political commentary, I had to go see a therapist and I was diagnosed with GSDS (Gene Simmons Derangement Syndrome*).  Do you guys know what that does to a person’s reputation?  But did I dump you?  No, I did not.  I just listened to Ace Frehley solo albums, took my Fluoxetine, and (rock) soldiered on. 

[*Gene Simmons Derangement Syndrome is described as, “the acute onset of paranoia and disgust in otherwise normal people in reaction to the songwriting, business decisions, lyrics, appearance, and the very existence of Gene Simmons.”]

All of that said, KISS, we must talk about this Rock and Roll Hall of Fame situation before we go our separate ways.  I may or may not speak for KISS fans everywhere when I say that I have just had it up to my jet-black wig and double-chin with all the juvenile nonsense from you guys, mainly Paul and Gene.  Well, totally Paul and Gene, let’s be realistic here.  You guys have said over and over again how the “honor” means nothing to you, and that it’s no big deal if you are inducted or not, and yet when it finally happens and the fans are all excited about it (and about the accompanying induction-night performance), you guys come back to the table with more idiocy and the same pathological inability to do anything without drama.  I thought you said everything you do is for the fans?  Really?  Gene and Paul, what is it that stands in the way of performing with Ace and Peter?  Is it Eric and Tommy, and their possible exclusion from the proceedings?  If so, I’ve got some news for you, something you’ve been unable to understand for years, but here goes:  “KISS,” as the entity we have known since the early 1970s, is comprised of Gene, Paul, Ace, and Peter.  Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer don’t matter.  They play no role in the legacy/history of KISS, and they have not contributed to the band in any meaningful and important way.  If you really thought they were important players in and of themselves, you would have slapped some new makeup on them, but instead, you just parade them around as Fake Ace and Fake Peter. 

Paul, are you upset because while you are on board with the notion that Ace and Peter should be a part of this honor, you feel that Eric and Tommy should be, as well, and that the current version of the band should be the one to perform at the induction ceremony?  If so, did you expect Ace and Peter to sit there at one of those big round tables sipping Perrier while you and Gene perform Modern Day Delilah with Eric and Tommy?  Yeah, that’s what the fans want. 

Now, Gene, you tend to argue that Eric and Tommy have been in the band a long time, and that Eric has been in the band a long time twice, but that is a rather empty argument, as if longevity means anything.  The point is, KISS is different…the four original members are the band.  If Eric Carr were still around, I’d give him his props, but even he is a tangential member of the band (and I am willing to bet you guys never even made him a true, non-employee member of the band, did you?).  Have you ever noticed that you focus your live performances on the 1970s material?  Have you ever noticed that fans prefer that material?  If the 1980s was a truly legitimate period for the band…not “a band called KISS,” but “KISS”…then why don’t you guys play Murder in High Heels, or, Lonely is the Hunter, or, Dance All Over Your Face?  Where are the 1980s songs, other than the three or four “standards” that you’ve jammed into the set-list year after year (seemingly in an attempt to legitimize that era)?  Where are all the songs from Sonic Boom and Monster?  They are nowhere to be found because “KISS” is the 1973-1982 band that included Gene, Paul, Ace (to 1982), and Peter (to 1980, and then Eric Carr), not Vinnie, not Mark, not Bruce (sorry!), not Eric Singer, and not Tommy.  This is about “identity” and about history…you can’t just throw two guys in Ace’s and Peter’s makeup and say, “This is KISS.”  It’s not.  And KISS circa 1983-1995 is simply not the same band.  Nor is the current 2014 version of the band.  Paul and Gene, you can keep saying it is, but who are you trying to convince, the fans, or yourselves?

More to the point, guys, it’s not even about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which itself is sort of a silly concept.  What this boils down to is that you guys just can’t keep your mouths shut for once and do the right thing.  What is the right thing?  Whatever you say it is, but please stop behaving like spoiled brats.  And Paul, either accept the honor without the back-handed criticism, or don’t accept the honor at all.  Why can’t you guys just go up to the podium and say, “Thanks,” and not taint it with all your macho posturing beforehand?  Can’t you just stop being jerks?

Sorry to come across as so harsh, but I am very emotional about all of this, as you can tell.  It’s not every day I break up with a band I’ve loved for more than thirty-seven years.

Anyway, where was I…?  Oh, yeah…

KISS, this is the end of the line for us.  Gene, you can keep raking in the cash and singing about how you are almost perfect and how you’ve got this log and you are going to put it in a fireplace, and Paul, you can continue to put the “X” in “sex,” because as I understand things, love is like a muscle and it makes you want to flex.  Or something like that.  But I’m done.

Ace, I’ll call you.

Sincerely,
Dub Warrant

UPDATE July 2020:

[Dub Warrant, ©2020]